Adultery. What a terrifying word. When one thinks of adultery, one thinks of some soap-opera or a story about a neighbor - rarely does anyone plan to have a cheating spouse in their own home. That is, until one day you fear you're spouse is cheating on you.

To start, the slow realization of a cheating spouse is a tiny alarm going off on your internal radar. Your spouses comings and goings start to raise your suspicions. Perhaps he/she has many phone calls at strange hours. Maybe your spouse just seems "absent" from your relationship - but happy. Bottom line is, most betrayed spouses can pinpoint the moment when adultery became reality in their life.

While not all affairs are the same, the majority of cheating spouses have some dirty little secrets in common. These same secrets are the tool to your sanity as you can learn these, look for them in your spouse, and then empower yourself to take the action you choose to take.

Cheating spouses actually don't like to lie to you - that is, they struggle with the dishonesty in the beginning. Over time, the guilt subsides, and lying to you becomes a necessary evil and a matter of survival. If your spouse is suddenly acting guilty around you, realize you may have caught him/her at the start of an affair.

Unfaithful spouses are also very stressed-out human beings. All the stress of lying, keeping up two dishonest lives, keeping all the lies in order, and trying to keep two partners content can be extremely over-whelming and begin to take its toll. While a brand-new affair is not quite as stressful as an older affair, most cheating spouses sub-consciously wish you would catch them so it will all just be over.

Cheaters need modern technology to keep their affair alive and well. Email and cell phones make infidelity much easier to maintain - they also make infidelity much easier to begin in the first place. If you suspect adultery in your relationship, start by going through all email and cell phone accounts. Any questionable email addresses or cell phone numbers should be traced right away.

Keep in mind that not all cheaters are bad people. Affairs actually can happen to decent people. Yes, an affair can even happen to a spouse that is worth keeping. The fear of being considered a "failure" due to a lapse in judgment keeps most unfaithful spouses involved in an affair.

If infidelity is confirmed in your relationship, there are things you must keep in mind. The next steps, actions and decisions are about you, the betrayed spouse. Do not waste your precious energy dwelling on the other woman (or man), do not waste your energy on the guilty spouse. You have just experienced a very traumatic experience event that is centered around trust. The misconception is that healing from infidelity involves learning to trust your spouse again. While this might be on your list of future issues to deal with, this should not be your immediate concern. Your first issue to tackle will be to learn to trust YOURSELF again.

Unfaithful spouses thrive off of the self-doubt betrayed spouses allow into their minds. The desire to trust your spouse is stronger than your desire to find out someone you are with is not trust-worthy. When infidelity is confirmed, the first victim of trust-issues to be healed is the betrayed spouse - You. Take all the time you need for yourself and heal yourself before you begin any other adjustments in your life.

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