Usually, in families, one parent takes on the role of the disciplinarian, while the other parent dons the hat of the “fun” parent. But in every family, both parents always echo similar rules and principles. Rules become all the more important when parents are divorced and the child has two homes, instead of one. According to social psychologists, rules enforcement is dependent on the type and nature of divorce that occurs between the parents. There are basically three common types of divorces:

• The Vengeful Divorce: In this contested divorce, one parent loses the custody of the child and has to move out. Both the parties do not see themselves as parents first. They only view themselves as partners who have been taken for a ride. They feel betrayed, angry and depressed and are usually aiming to put down the ex. They want to embarrass and make life difficult for the ex. Their vengeful and vindictive attitude has an adverse negative effect on the child
  
  Both parents here follow different rules, undermining each other’s dignity and place in the child’s life. This leads to confusion in the child’s mind as he or she may come to belittle one parent and take the side of the other. The vengeful attitude of the parents rubs off on the child. The child does not know which rule to follow – Mommy says I should brush my teeth before going to bed but Daddy says it is OK not to brush my teeth at night – Daddy says to always do my homework after coming back from school and Mommy says to do homework on the way from school in the bus. Which rule to follow?



• The Cold/ Detached Divorce: This type of divorce is polite, quick but not amiable and cooperative. The parents want the divorce and usually see their married life as wastage of time and energy. Communication is restricted. This has a negative effect on the child as both parents act disinterested in the affairs of the child.
  
  Here again, the child is confused as to what rule to follow where. The only difference is that both parents are so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget to make any rules for the child. They expect the child, no matter what his or her age, to understand the new situation and carry on following the original rules formatted when they were a unified family.



• The Communicative Divorce: This could be described as the ideal divorce scenario. The partners realise that despite their personal differences, they have to present a unified front to the child. They must always place the child first and not give way to their own demands and sensibilities. This usually means that both the divorced parents state and follow the same principles and rules. They agree with each other –“Mommy and Daddy are divorced and they live in separate houses but they both say that I must concentrate on my studies and do my homework regularly”.
  
  Enforcing the same rules is a must for every divorced family as this leads to the overall personality development of the child, and goes a long way in shaping him or her to be a mature and confident adult. A child who has to deal with different rules in his/ her mother and father’s house faces a lot of developmental difficulties.



• Split Personality: This is a common consequence when children are stuck between angry parents. Children love both parents and do not want to displease any one of them. They usually end up becoming a pawn in their parents’ angry duel. The child somehow develops a split personality where he or she assumes a different persona to suit their father and his rules. But, the same child adopts a different personality when he or she is at the mother’s place e.g. child A adopts a quiet, reflective and studious demeanour when staying with his primary caregiver, the mother, He reads books, does not watch TV after eight in the night and does his homework daily. In short, he abides by his mother’s rules. But during the weekends he visits his father and adopts a different behavioral pattern. He becomes stubborn, throws tantrums, watches TV till late at night and eats junk food. Here, he follows his father’s rules and agrees with his father that his mother is a wicked woman and is to blame for the divorce. But then, on Monday, he goes back to his mother and agrees with her that his father is a bad person and caused the divorce.
  
  What is happening here? According to child developmental psychologists, the behavioural pattern of the child is changing. He does not have a strong feeling of security. Rather he can be described as developing tendencies of split personality disorder. He doesn’t know which rule to follow. He will probably become a confused, opportunity-seeking, untrustworthy character icon the future. And the blame has to fall upon the different set of rules enforced by his parents in their houses. In trying to outdo each other as the better parent, both parties succeeded in ruining their child’s psyche.



• Antisocialism: Another effect could also be the growth of antisocial tendencies in a child who is forced to adapt and follow different rules in both parents’ houses. It could lead to anger as the child resents these rules and his or her parent’s attitudes. In short, such resentment building up within the child could emotionally scar him or her for the rest of their adult life. The child will not be able to establish and maintain stable relationships in the future. The child is afraid of commitment and becomes a loner. The child is unable to focus his energies on academics and career ambitions. He or she is so busy in juggling rules and evaluating parental attitudes that their childhood could become the sacrifice in the divorce pyre. All this could eventually lead to aggressive and antisocial behaviours.
  
  In short, to develop a secure, normal and healthy child, it becomes imperative for parents to put aside their differences and act as parents. By enforcing different rules to spite each other and to satisfy their vengeful thirst, parents could be slowly putting an end to their child’s childhood and creating an amoral, antisocial individual with a split personality.

Divorce Products on our marketplace

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on getting a Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com