Way up at the northern tip of Europe is a little country of 6 million people in which separation and divorce are an everyday experience. In Denmark, most school kids, nearly 1 out of every 5, have two addresses, two telephone numbers and a pocket calendar to keep track of where they sleep and eat.

No wonder, then, that the numbers of Danish couples participating in couples therapy or Parterapi, as it is called in Danish, is large and steadily growing. Most families have by now become aware of the pain, frustration and waste of time, money and effort caused by a relationship gone wrong and many have decided to try and do something about it, to work hard at finding a better solution than just breaking up.

Having decided to begin therapy a couple arranges to meet with the therapist for a preliminary consultation. If they agree to continue they will meet for one and a half hours once a week or every 10 days, often in the afternoon or evening, after work. After 3-5 sessions many couples find that things start to change - often for the better. Couples can, alternatively, join a couples therapy group. Groups of 4-5 couples meet and work, learning through practice and by watching other couples work, how to improve their own relationship.

The two key factors that are addressed in couples therapy, aside from any specific individual problems such as e.g. alcoholism, physical violence or drug abuse, are awareness and communication. By awareness is meant an increase and sharpening of consciousness about what we do, how we do it and the consequences of what we do, to each other and to ourselves. Working in Parterapi on increasing awareness involves training and exercises, often simple and quite straightforward, with surprising results and many "ah-ha" experiences for both participants and onlookers.

Training one's awareness includes paying attention to many bodily signals e.g. increased heartbeat, blushing, sweating and nail biting. Alternatively it may revolve around avoidance behaviors such as long periods of silence, workaholism or exaggerated interest in e.g. computer games. For many people this kind of training is fascinating and provides many rewarding insights.

Practice and training in communication involves learning (or re-learning) how to listen effectively and how to respond respectfully and adequately. Learning not to respond to the feeling of being attacked by resorting to excuses or apologies is a major step for many people. Practice in using the first person pronoun "I", instead of "One" or "They" and appreciating the improved reactions from other people is a real eye opener for most people undergoing a course of therapy.

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Relationship problems? Ilan Wolffberg is an American psychotherapist residing in Denmark for over 30 years. For more information on Parterapi or on Communication as they say in Danish.