There are 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication: Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility. In a previous article I gave examples of how these create Communication Frustration for everyone involved. This article will show you the other forms those habits can take with spouses, children, friends, and co-workers.

1. Giving Analyses: Whenever we think we know why something was said or done based on our opinions we are analyzing. Here's what my wife and I experienced. Whenever Kay would single she wanted affection that I wasn't giving her I'd call her "needy and dependent". Whenever I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd call her "selfish and insensitive". As we studied compassionate communication we both realized our analyses were actually expressions of what we both wanted and needed.

2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.

3. Using Manipulation: Anytime we are trying to make someone who is unwilling do what we want we are manipulating. This doesn't work because emotions like fear,anger,guilt,and shame are used as prods. Seldom do people perform the why we really want, if at all when we use this approach. Two examples from Kay and me: When Kay would subtly share with me how impressed she was with how her friend's husband displayed such handy man prowess it didn't ever make me mow the lawn or do projects to her satisfaction. When I'd remind my youngest son, who's dyslexic, that his older brother taught himself how to read, the younger one didn't read any better of faster. I'm sure your intentions for using manipulation are as pure as ours were. But manipulations only wound you and the other person on a deep level.

4. One-way Philosophy and Politics: Philosophy is your world view. Politics is your actions in it. It really shocked Kay and me to see how our Philosophy and Politics were starting unintentional conflicts. We missed out on learning new ideas, making deep friendships, and having bigger opportunities when our philosophies and politics were a one-way conversation. People create conflicts about Philosophy or Politics because they mistake their moral judgments as facts. We know we did.

5. Actions of Others: This is when we actually shift responsibility based on other's behavior. Lessons we learned: Me telling Kay I yelled at the boys because they had bad manners at the table makes the boys responsible for my outburst. Me accepting a last minute golfing invitation with my friends when I promised to hang out with the kids makes my friends responsible for my commitments. Other examples you might encounter include: "I lied to the client because my boss told me too", "I hate going to work, but I do it because I'm a husband and father.", "I stayed late at work because my boss said to". We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

6. Policies and Rules: This is when we shift responsibility to those in authority and unexamined procedures. Examples you might encounter would be "I have to suspend your son because it's the school policy", "I'm not authorized to help you", "The computer says", "My boss would kill me", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "My boss says", "We've always done it that way". Responsibility shifted to policies, rules, and management does not validate the behavior.

Check in with yourself and have compassion with what you find. You aren't broken, don't need fixing, and nothing is wrong with you. Focus your attention on looking for where the habits are showing up and creating Communication Frustration at home and work. Just practice observing. Share this article with your spouse or friends and ask them if they notice these habits showing up in your conversations with them.

Relationships Products on our marketplace

Life Strategist John Reisinger, can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and enjoy Remarkable Living.