The human psyche seems to have a pendant for projecting our shortcomings onto others, but also our good traits.
Without the other we would not be able to know the self: they are our mirrors. If you want to know whether your hair looks great or if your new coat suits you, you take a look in the mirror. You need that mirror to be able to look at your outer appearance.

The same counts for your inner world. If you want to have a look at yourself inside, look into the mirror, which is other people : the traits you hate in them and the ones you love in them. This tells more about you than you think! In fact, you hate and love those traits which you pushed away into your shadow zone, which you decided you do not want to see (the negative traits you condamned as bad or no good), or those which you decided you don?t have (the positive traits, which you call good and which you would like to have but you think you do not have them).

In order to see inside yourself, look at what disturbs you in others and what you admire in others. All these traits are energies you pushed away and which you need to recover. That is why this bothers or attracts you now in your life.

What we condemn or detest in others are our own qualities that we do not want to face, but that we should be working at. This is called the negative projection. What you do not like in others, or even hate, is a part of yourself.

When the indifference of another person disturbs you, it means that you should be more indifferent yourself and stop to invest yourself for 100% everywhere and with everyone! This does not mean you have to become as indifferent, cold and distant as the other person, but that you should reintegrate a part of this energy in your own behavior, and become a little less involved in what you do. Too much involvment can hurt you. You need to learn in this case to take more care of yourself instead of being so focused on the other one.

If you are balanced on this polarity of indifference (one extreme) and too much involvment (the other extreme), than the indifference of the other won't bother you anymore. This counts for every trait that bothers you in others! You should integrate the energy of this trait in your energy field. This means to become a little bit more like the other (in this exemple : indifferent) and become the opposite to yourself (more involved in your own well being).

When you start to integrate the behavior that disturbs you in others, you will notice that this behavior doesn?t disturb you anymore. You simply do not notice it anymore. You have integrated this energy, so now you become neutral towards this topic.

When the aggressive behavior of a partner or colleagues is getting to you, then you may have to learn to say no, defend your ground and clearly mark the borders. The fact that the aggression in the behavior of somebody else disturbs you, means that you have hidden that energy away in your shadow side. You can reclaim that energy and develop it in other ways that support your balance in life.

This counts for every behavior in others that disturbs you. This is the fastest way to grow and to keep up with others at the same time!

On a scale of polarities, what you hate is the polarity you did not develop inside you and you should. Life showes you this in the behavior of the significant other. In stead of hating him or his behavior, observe, ask yourself what you have to learn, learn it, integrate (you become a better person, a whole, complete person) and the screen of life will show you a more balanced person!

In the same way, the good traits you admire in others are your own qualities that you do not know you have. You think you are lacking these talents and admire them thus in others. These qualities are present within yourself but they are under construction and also need developing. They are, however, a mirror image of your highest abilities. This is the positive projection.

Think of a male person and a female person you admire, and who you know in real life. Make a list of the qualities and traits you admire in them. Then read this list again and say out loud in front of each quality : I am...

Lets say you admire the elegance and the organizational skills of your best friend. This means you too have the capacity to organize your life and things and you too are beautiful, otherwise you would even not be able to see it in others! You do have the germ of these qualities inside, otherwise you wouldn?t be able to notice them.
This list clearly represents who you are. This is the truth about you. These qualities are INSIDE of you. They are merely waiting to be discovered, expanded and expressed.

You can do the same with people you do not know personally, like movie stars, singers, historical figures, politicians, mythical figures, fairies. List their qualities and read for yourself : I am...

In the beginning you are maybe sceptical, you do not want to believe you possess yourself these qualities. But have a closer look and admit the possibility of having these qualities inside you in the form of seeds that need to be cultivated in order to blossom.

What you do not have inside yourself, you can not see in others!

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Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist and spiritual counselor. She helps you find your own path! Two free e-courses http://www.theenthusiasm.com.